America
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Ste finally realizes that he's still in love with Brendan. After tonight's E4 episode. A short one shot.


**America :)**

America…my life is here with my kids, it's all I've ever known…it's all I want to know. I don't think that I'm being unreasonable; I can't live my life through someone else's dreams or demands. Doug won't stop asking me about it and although I understand that his dad is sick, it's a big move and I still have a lot to think about, it's not easy to make a decision like that in a day. With everything that I've just been through I have to make sure that it is what I want one hundred per cent.

See I've got the kids to think about, they are my main concern and I'm sure Amy isn't going to let me take them away from her. It's nice that they are a part of the plan and I'm grateful for that, but I can't just turn their lives upside down and change everything overnight. Plus they need their mum, even if she was to say yes to me taking them to another country. I mean what if they absolutely hate it, I know that kids adjust really well at a young age, but why should I take the risk?

The deli is another reason I can't just pack up and leave, I know that the business might be struggling but it's my business and I won't give up on it…I won't quit. I know it's not just my name above the door but I have never achieved anything before. It feels right here in this shop, in Chester and I don't want to give that up when I have so many doubts about starting a new life. I suppose I'm just not very good with change, especially when I feel like I have found stability at long last.

It doesn't mean that I don't love Doug does it? Just because I see my life here instead of in America doesn't mean that I don't feel the same about him. I know that it isn't all about me, but it isn't all about him either and we have to make a decision together, we both have to be happy don't we? I sometimes wonder how we even made it to this point as all we ever seem to do is argue and all I ever wanted was to feel complete with him…only I'm starting to feel more detached than ever.

Doug has issues and he thinks that those issues are stopping me from going; he doesn't believe me when I tell him my reasons why I want to stay. He thinks that I can't let go of my past and the people in it. He keeps pushing me further and further away from him and he can't even see it, he just accuses me of still loving my ex. But I've moved on, I'm not that person anymore am I? He is an ex for a reason and I've had every opportunity to go back to him and yet I haven't.

"Once you leave you have to admit that everything's over with you and Brendan"

But it is over between us!

"It's my problem, because my husband's still infatuated with him, he's still in love."

Do I really have to do this again? What more do I have to do to prove that I'm over him?

"Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong."

I look him in the eye and I really want to tell him he's wrong, but I can't find the words I need, they have failed me just like every attempt I've ever made to try and get over Brendan. My heavy heart feels lighter already and just by Doug knowing the truth. I have tried, really I have, I have tried to burry these feelings and I thought I had, but the thought of never seeing him, of losing him for good has made them resurface. The only thing I can think of now is going to him and telling him how stupid I was to waste all this time and to take him in my arms and put my lips on his and ask him if he thinks I should stay and of course he'll say yes because he loves me and were meant to be together.

"Every day till I'm in my grave you'll always be in my head."

I hear those words louder than I've ever heard them now and all I know is that I want to hear them again. I have denied myself the pleasure of him for far too long and when he tells me not to go I can finally give him all of myself, just like i have done a thousand times in my dreams. My life is here with him, not without him in America.

**Please review, any comments appreciated :) xx xx xx**


End file.
